no wonder i cannot sleep…

from my dreamy head on the pillow, stars go spinning out to the sky

sometimes the silly moon too presses his face against my window,

stealing a glance at as I sleep,

bathing the room in gentle light,

leaving telltale marks all over

(I scrub them in the morning)

the crystal dangling next to the glass, wrestles, plays with the wind,

sometimes I hear them whisper, in hushed tones

secrets they will not tell me

and parijat, a thousand of them, open up to the moon

tiny white hands, can never hold their own fragrance, it spills all over the lawn

the night is so noisy this season…

Trina (the poem)

There’s something that seeks me now

Out of ebbs and flows of hard love, strife life,

An intensity calls my scathed heart

An intense desire, intense love, intense pain, intense rapture

I long to dye this scarlet again

Blood red horizon on molten golds,

I long to tear a cloud in two

To singe the sun with my scathing eyes

To break open my heart again

And somewhere, a life, scared

At peace with grey shadows, is afraid

Talk not of love or living or dying

It’s barren peace is with gods

But somewhere, something seeks me again,

An intensity that knows no bounds.

There, beyond the planes of mind and words, Beloved

Am I One with You.

Beyond the plane of physical being

Where souls connect, diverge

Singular paths of journey through the planes

Lives, loves, births and dying

There beyond the planes of heavens and gods

I am one with You.

Minds are almost always aberrations

And words always a trap

Beyond the fields of impulse, emotion, thought and passion

Far beyond the bodies meeting

I am one with You,

And I will meet You there

Memories

Somehow, out of the blue, this song came to mind this morning

‘Nagme haiN, shikve haiN, kisse haiN, baateiN haiN…’

(Trans: There are songs, grudges, stories, incidents that we shared……..)

And it further goes as “YaadeiN reh jaati haiN”  (all that is left is memories)

And I think as to why so much stress on memories? It has been especially glorified in Hindi movies and folklore- to base your life on one particular event/memory. (E.g. a widow wearing white for the rest of her life)
We hadn't understood the meaning of being in the NOW, right? Only now am I beginning to learn to let go...even of thought!

Met somebody after 14 years. And I realized how little I found the need to sift through memories to re-create/ continue our bond. Why not be in the now, as I am today and as you are today and see where we connect?

Same with the future-- anything that goes beyond tomorrow's lunch...... Why??
Think, desire, but then let it be. Flow with the unfolding of life. Why set goals and 'determine'?? Why?? No doubt you WILL achieve what you set your MIND on..... But do u realize how much of energy you are investing in manifesting a desire that you are completely missing out on the experience THIS moment has to offer??

Raindrops

Raindrops

Sound of rain in my backyard

Monsoon- wet, wet morning

I long not for human company

Raindrops

Drip from the edge of every leaf

Soaked-'mogra' wraps a frond even closer

Monsoon- wet, wet morning

I no longer long to fly

Ok, so we have all derived our sense of identity from our degrees, designations, looks, knowledge, kids’ knowledge, kids’ degrees, kids’ designations, cars, houses, lovers, names dropping…..and so on. Yes, at different times I have faked being a ‘graduate’ or ‘his wife’, ‘a writer’, ‘a journalist’ and so on. (None of them are true). … for I have never been ‘enough’ being all that and more.  None of it ever completed me, right?

So, I added more and more content to my existence, my being. E.g. my knowledge, -- “Wow! The intelligent me” , my sense of humor- “The amazing me” and then “the worthless me”, “the loser me”, “the betrayed me”………. How many stories about a ‘me’ I know nothing of?

Coming to the beginning, yes, we’ve all been there, done that. And yes, many of us continue to do it--- Deriving our entire identity from what all I have in my life (the ‘content’ of my life as Eckhart Tolle says.)

On the flip side, now I am wiser (o yeah!) and so I give up seeking self worth in my car (it’s not worth much anyway!) …. And I turn ‘SPIRITUAL’, (arright!!!)  

I run into the right kind of people and  I learn more and I know that there is something beyond all the noise…….and so I seek.

In the meantime I discover that I am not my identity as I knew it so far.

So far, so good.

And I learn more –I am not my mind, not my body, not my intellectual/ emotional/ frontal side…….and more.  

…. AND more…

…. AND………

I stopped grabbing more and more in the world outside to derive my sense of identity and I started here, on another plane.  ‘The spiritual me’, ‘the seeker me’, ‘the learner me’…….

Oh how interesting! Now all I need to do is to  add a ‘Ma’ or “Swami” behind my name and create a facebook page. (or wait for my ‘disciples’ to add a couple of ‘Sri’s before my name)

or worst of all-  add  ‘mentor’ or ‘life coach’ to my name (for then I needn’t even be right or truthful.

Do you realize how the ego plays out? If not this then that, if not the corporate race, then the race to enlightenment, ……..become a bigger fish in the spiritual fishmarket.

Become a ‘ma’ or ‘guru’ or ‘swami’ or (don’t throw up) ‘mentor’

Should I judge it?  Or should I leave it to up to you?    ;p